How to sleep in a heatwave

How do you sleep in a heatwave? The short answer is ‘badly’, but on the advice front, here’s a few tips:

1. Sleep in light pyjamas not naked. Pyjamas will actually help you feel cooler by drawing sweat away from your body. Obviously not chunky old man’s pyjamas.

2. Sleep on your side, as it exposes a larger portion of your body to the air.

3. Don’t touch anyone else in the bed. Sexy time is out, it’d be like striking a match on a matchbox – painful.

4. Put a flannel in the fridge, then put it on your forehead in bed.

5. Actually put your sheets, and pillowcase in the fridge too. Lovely and cool when you take them out and put them back on the bed. For a few minutes at least.

6. Use a hot water bottle. But wait! Fill it with ice cold water and crushed ice and then spoon the sucker. Oh yeah. Is that a bit necrophiliac? Moving swiftly on…

7.  Run your feet and wrists under cold water before going to bed. Do not have a cold shower though, as this will actually raise your body temperature afterwards. Keep the water tepid.

8. Move rooms. Don’t just stick with your usual bedroom, decamp to the coolest place. Sneakily in the middle of the night, if you want it all to yourself.

9. Use a room fan. Or do shifts with your partner to waft a giant palm leaf over the other.

10. Keep ice water next to your bed. Pour it on your groin if need be.

11. Use gel pad inserts. Stick them in the fridges then into your pillow. A cross between an ice cube tray and a breast implant.

12. Turn off all electric devices. They’ll release energy into the air. Apart from the fan obviously. And any chilled dildae (bet there is such a thing).

13. Build an igloo. Haven’t really thought this one through but basically get 15 Mr Frosty machines, crank them to the max, shovel the resultant raspberry flavoured ice snow into your bedroom, build igloo, climb inside, sleep. Job done. Wait, igloos keep the warmth inside don’t they? FFS.

Anyway, good luck. Listen to some summer tunes to pass the night hours if you prefer.