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anal sex

Ask Anouszka

“I’m curious about receiving anal sex…how do I ask my partner?”

In this week's column, Anouszka Tate answers this question and also one about whether or not to keep down noisy sex. Yes, there's no beating around the bush here, so to speak.

I’m curious about receiving anal but know that my (female) partner thinks it’s disgusting, so it’s pretty much impossible to approach the subject. We have a pretty active sex life, but she’s less dominant, so I don’t know if that plays a part too…?

This is one of those ones that I’m going to have to start by saying if your partner has made it explicitly clear she doesn’t feel comfortable with a certain sex act, you absolutely have to respect her boundaries. You’re not entitled to explore your fantasies with someone else at the expense of consent.

However, regardless of relationship status, I would always advise solo sex first anyway. ‘It’s pretty much impossible to approach the subject’, you say. Well, yes, it certainly will be difficult past ‘hello I’d like some of that there anal please’ if you don’t actually know what it is your body loves.

So, I’ve got some solutions that might begin satisfying your curiosity without overstepping boundaries or having endless dead end conversations. Let me guide you through the three Ps… perineums, prostates, and pegging.

On all bodies, the perineum is the area between the genitals and the anus. You perhaps know it better as the grundle, gooch, or taint, because perineum is the most difficult word to say. Where does the inflection lie? Who knows. Anyway, it’s a hotbed of nerve endings. Anal sensations do feel different to what you might be used to – therein lies their magic – so stimulating the perineum will give you an idea of what you’re in for. (And an idea of whether you do indeed enjoy it as much as your mind hopes you will).

Firm pressure is the way to go; experiment with knuckles and the flats of your fingers. It might feel counter-intuitive at first, but try just holding still. Maybe rhythmic but slow pulses are what will get your heart racing. Cycle between strong dots and dashes like you’re trying to send a sexy SOS. Then add all this to your usual masturbation technique and thank me later.

Next up, the prostate. Often referred to as the male g-spot, it lies a few inches inside the rectum, towards the stomach, and feels a bit like a walnut. Again, you’ll want to apply slow, firm pressure. You know that ‘come hither, sweet darling’ finger motion we’re always told will find a woman’s g-spot? Yeah, it works here too.

Settling in for the evening and exploring what speeds and strokes your body responds to could have a big pay off – some men are able to orgasm from prostate stimulation alone. It’ll feel like more of a full-body experience than the concentrated dick orgasm.

These first two Ps are also brilliant ways to bring anal play into your partnered sex life without your girlfriend having to compromise her own more submissive desires, and without grossing her out too much. When she’s going down on you, use your own lubed up finger to find your prostate, either indirectly via the perineum, or through penetration. Her attention’s on your penis, not your bum, but you get the wildly explosive sensations you want your own body to feel.

Our final P is pegging – the practice of a woman anally penetrating a man with a strap-on. This is where the ‘less dominant’ thing might prove prohibitive, because pegging does subvert traditional gender norms (that’s part of the thrill for a lot of people). But if after lots of time getting acquainted with the taint and becoming relaxed about your rectum your girlfriend is more receptive to the idea, explain why you don’t see it as disgusting. Let her in on where your desire comes from; she might not understand it because no one’s taken the time to explain its appeal before.

Sometimes shit does happen, and the one thing that’ll get you through that is feeling close enough to your partner to be able to joke about it. So whenever you talk about your desire for anal, don’t let those conversations become combative. It shouldn’t be your desires vs. hers. My way or the highway. Show your excitement at going on this exploratory journey together, so that if you do find yourself up shit creek… well, at least you can laugh it off with the person you’re there with.

Apparently my boyfriend and I make a fair amount of noise when we’re having sex and my housemates aren’t too happy about it. Do I try to keep it down but not enjoy myself as much, or buy them earplugs?

I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this because this so doesn’t bother me. Honestly if I’m in the zone said exasperated housemates could burst into the room to complain and I probably wouldn’t notice.

Once at my boyfriend’s parents’ house the dog starting barking in harmony with our moans from downstairs. Everyone in the house was most definitely awake. Would I have even dreamt of stopping? Most definitely not.

Likewise it doesn’t bother me if I hear other people having sex. If anything I make a mental note to congratulate them on unapologetically seeking out pleasure. Blame my parents for raising me to believe sex is something to be celebrated. Groundbreaking theory I know.

It’s fascinating that if we live with a couple who fight all the time we don’t feel it’s our place to intervene in their shrieking brawls, but heaven forbid we hear other people having sex. We’re comfortable with allowing couples to communicate their anger but not their joy?! Weird flex but ok.

You sound like you’re on my team – if you’re going to bother having sex you may as well do it properly. If moans, groans, sighs, and cries are how the two of you express yourselves then more power to you for knowing what gets you off.

However, if this is genuinely causing a problem in your friendships, there are compromises that could appease your housemates. For someone who craves a cacophony, trying to be quiet can be an unexpected thrill. It can be extremely sexy having your boyfriend, a wry smile on his face, staring into your eyes willing you to keep your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream in ecstasy. Play with volume and breathy whispers, which can feel as hot on your neck as they sound.

Put music on to muffle your noise – you clearly respond to aural stimuli so it might even add to the intensity for you, as well as leaving you safe in the knowledge your housemates are happily bopping away to the beat downstairs.

I’m wondering if part of the problem could also be solved with a trip to Ikea, or another furniture store of your choosing. A beat they’re less likely to want to hear is that of a dodgy bedframe rhythmically clattering against the wall. This one’s a win win because you don’t want to be ripped out of the moment by a splintering headboard either. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had sex on floor because carpet burns > mind-numbing repetitive thumping…


What are you confused, curious, or concerned about? Ask me a question in the comments below or on my Instagram page, and I’ll do my best to answer in my next column!

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