How can I get my girlfriend to shave her pubes more often? It just seems so much more hygienic and less messy when we have sex but she’s got lazy recently.

 Oh, my man. My guy. Please. You cannot ever ‘get’ your girlfriend to do anything. You do not own her, her body, or any of its constituent parts.

Look, I’m not here to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do with their body (in this case your girlfriend and her pubes). I’m also not here to shame or judge anyone’s desires (in this case your penchant for fewer pubes). What I can do is lay the facts on the table so that you can both make your own independent decisions about what you like and why, and what you expect of others.

Extreme removal of pubic hair started as a practical consideration for people making porn. Discounting questionable dialogue, visuals are pretty much all you’ve got to get off on. Thoughtful filmmakers want you to have the best seat in the house, and that means a VIP, unrestricted, fuzz-free view of the action. But for you as a viewer it’s irrelevant whether something looking good also translates to feeling good.

When sex switches from screen to reality, we still seem to value what genitals look like over how they feel.

Three day old stubble is a case in point.

Pubic hair exists to provide a cushion during sex, allowing your bodies to smoothly writhe around and glide against each other. This also stimulates the exquisitely sensitive nerve endings of the hair follicles, heightening sexual pleasure. Without them, you lose part of the sensory experience.

Encountering a neatly shaved vulva might lure you in, but once you’re there can you honestly tell me rubbing yourself red raw on the equivalent of genital Velcro is up there with your raciest fantasies?

I joke, but there’s a serious point about pubes being a downy defence barrier. It’s the folds of skin on the genitals that provide a beautiful breeding ground for bacteria – hair is there to ward off infectious intruders. The purpose of nose hair is to stop germs getting into your nasal passage, and eyelashes keep unwanted crap out of your eyes. I’d hazard a guess that you’re not demanding your girlfriend remove those hairs out of genuine concern for her health and hygiene…

Have you ever tried a close shave on your own genitals? I don’t mean a snazzy little trim, I mean a razor-to-skin all over shave. Most people will get cuts and ingrown hairs, and coupled with the fact that the skin around your genitals is particularly delicate, there’s an increased opportunity for viruses to penetrate through those tiny cuts. Obviously not healthy or hygienic.

Also, it’s just really fucking itchy to live with for all the other hours of the day when you’re not having sex.

May I suggest that you agree to shave your own pubes every time you expect it of your girlfriend, and we’ll see how long it takes for you to concede that she’s not just being ‘lazy’?

On the hygiene front, the one fact that’s on your side is that cases of pubic lice have decreased since the trend for removing pubes took off, but there’s no evidence pointing towards any other health benefits.

Some women feel empowered by an all over wax, and some are empowered by a full on bush. A woman will be the most confident version of herself in the bedroom when she feels comfortable in her own body, whatever that looks like. So I guess you’ve just got to ask yourself whether, in order for you to feel turned on, the benefits of a confident girlfriend outweigh the perceived negatives of pubic hair.

Why am I turned on by the idea of watching my girlfriend have sex with another man? A big part of it is the idea of seeing her suck another man’s dick, especially if it’s much bigger than mine. I don’t think it’s to do with any repressed feelings about my sexuality or anything like that.

You’re right; this fantasy has absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality. It has much more to do with power dynamics.

There’s no particular need to put a label on your desires, but should it help you to claim an identity, and even find others with similar feelings, you might want to know that the fantasy you’re describing is called cuckolding. You may well be au fait with cuckolding from the tales of small town marital scandals penned by your favourite medieval writer. A man who had an adulterous wife would be shamed for allowing, or not being aware of, her infidelity. Crucially, his masculine pride and reputation would be severely wounded.

The modern cuckold fantasy involves fewer deathly duels, but is still very much based around the idea that as a man it’s humiliating to have your partner have sex with someone else.

I’m sure you’re already vaguely familiar with the concept of S&M. Sadomasochism is a fetish where people get pleasure from either inflicting or receiving pain. It’s physical pain that’s at play here – whips, ropes, spanking – and the masochist in the set up begs for that pain from the sadist.

In a cuckolding fantasy, there’s a similar give and take of pain for pleasure, but this time the hurt is psychological. You – as the masochist man – desire the degradation of witnessing your girlfriend – the sadist woman – with another man. You get pleasure from taking punishment from her.

Wanting to see your partner with a man with a bigger dick than you is a common part of this particular fantasy. In a world where penis size is often equated with masculinity (another issue for another day), a more conventionally masculine man taking your girlfriend from you only adds to the mental anguish …and thus, of course, the pleasure.

What’s absolutely vital if you’re wanting to make this fantasy a reality is that your girlfriend doesn’t feel like a pawn in your selfish game – an object being passed around for the pleasure of everyone but her. It might be your idea, but at the end of the day you’re all (you, your girlfriend, and the man she has sex with) going to be sharing in a sexual experience together. Everyone has to derive pleasure from this, so it goes without saying that boundaries need to be discussed before anything happens.

Who will get to choose the man your girlfriend’s with? You or your girlfriend? Who will get to touch who? That is, are you expecting to be able to get involved with one or both of the others, or does the excitement come from only being able to watch from afar, perhaps touching yourself? Are you expecting to be able to direct the action from the comfort of your voyeur’s armchair, or would your girlfriend rather be able to do exactly what she wants in the moment without hearing a word from you? In fact, does she enjoy the exhibitionist part of this picture enough to want you there at all? Many cuckold fetishists get off on just hearing their partner regale the tales of their sexual infidelities once they’re back home with you…

What are you confused, curious, or concerned about? Ask me a question in the comments below or on my Instagram page, and I’ll do my best to answer in my next column!