Fad, your new book of poetry ‘Reflection and Refraction’ has launched during grief week, tell us a bit about the premise of the book? 

Well, it’s a follow up of sorts to a volume of poetry I published earlier this year on love titled Quixotic Nature. The theme of that was different types of love and the experiences and emotions that they manifested – the good, the bad and the ugly! It was centred around the core four: romantic, familial, friendship and self. Though some may be obvious as to which they relate to, others are more open to interpretation….. I always remember a good friend referencing one to me and asking if it was about someone I dated and my response was ‘errrr…no, that was about me’.  It wasn’t until I completed Quixotic Nature that I noticed quite how much was related to loss and endings and how much that in turn resonated with other people reading it, despite coming from very personal experiences.

Reflection and Refraction similarly focusses on grief manifested from different types of loss. It could be from the most obvious – bereavement from the death of a loved one for example or the unexpected end of a friendship – through to the end of a relationship that might not even have ever really begun or the death of a dream or an idea.

What was the inspiration for the book? 

I guess that’s in part answered with the last question but the big trigger was that one of my siblings sadly passed away unexpectedly a couple of years ago and quite honestly I’m still going through the grieving process. Personally, it’s been a strange and challenging two or three years to say the least. There have been a couple of other bereavements during that period that also came too soon and these, alongside other kinds of loss or endings, have forced me to look grief in the eye, become familiar with it and allow it to take me by the hand and walk me through this period whatever direction it chooses to take. Resistance, as they say, is futile.

Being able to grieve properly and allowing nature to take it’s course is imperative and given how often people (or society) don’t allow themselves to fully, or feel comfortable expressing what they might need during the process for various reasons, I thought it only just to dedicate a volume to that most delicate and vital of things. Particularly with all that is going on with this weird world at the moment. It’s challenging in so many different ways and being able to feel or express ourselves, in whatever way we might need to, is becoming more and more important in order to navigate our way through it.

I always remember years ago seeing the quote ‘grief is the price we pay for love’ on the garden memorial in Grosvenor Square Gardens and it’s always stuck with me. Not least because someone I was seeing at the time decided to end things only minutes after! It’s a natural and intrinsic part of life and, in my humble opinion, despite the pain can be beautiful in it’s own way because of where it has come from. Ultimately from our ability to dream, to desire, to love. I find that inspiring.

I can only hope that, similarly to Quixotic Nature, that although the experiences these words come from are personal, that the emotions they evoke can be shared and subsequently provide some form of comfort in the least with their familiarity. 

Your poems are sectioned into the 7 stages of grief, what are they? 

The sections are based on the expanded Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model for grief which she first outlined in 1969 and were originally five: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  

There is an expanded model which, as you say, is seven stages and is how the book is structured to include shock/disbelief and guilt.  

Were any of these stages a surprise to you when you started researching the book?

I don’t think that any came as a surprise per se once I saw them, but there was definitely more of a sense of acceptance. Like, oh right, that’s what I’m feeling here and I don’t need to feel bad about it, it’s part of the process. Ironically, although there is a section for guilt which I only have two poems under, I found myself feeling guilty for feeling some of the other stages I was going through before I became familiar with the model – like I shouldn’t be feeling angry about this person, or that thing, that’s a terrible thing to feel.  

How has writing the book helped you process grief personally?

As we know, there is no set formula or time frame for grief and, upon reflection, I’ve become very aware of how differently I have personally responded to different endings during this writing process and how I have judged myself for those differences.

Writing this book was definitely a cathartic process that triggered and forced me into confronting a lot of the more challenging experiences that I perhaps didn’t address at the time of occurrence and with a much greater level of compassion for myself. Some experiences came up that have been buried for years and years, In some instances I had completely blocked them out!

Did you encounter any difficult emotions when writing the book?

How do you see the book helping other people to understand and process grief?

I’d like the words to be able to offer some sort of comfort for those that need it, regardless of the reason as to why they might and, though it is a cliché to say, to know that they will get through whatever it is. Even if they feel as though they are very far from getting there. I’m always reminding myself of the phrase ‘This too shall pass’.

These poems come from very personal experiences but I believe that in most cases the emotions that come from them, and that I am hopefully conveying, resonate in some way. I guess it’s a similar premise to when you speak to a friend about a problem because you know they’ve been through similar experiences, not necessarily the same, and that they are able to empathise and share your feeling if nothing else.