How To Get A Dad Bod if You’re Childless
After Jason Momoa was body-shamed for not having a six pack, the resultant backlash has illustrated again the popularity of dad bods. But why should dads be the only ones to benefit from the look?
Jason Momoa has a…sorry I can’t even – wait…Jason Momoa has a dad bod. Pictures emerged recently of Momoa hanging out shirtless somewhere, as he does, only this time there was the shocking revelation that he appears not to have a six pack at this current time. Yes his enormous frame may be intact but that wasn’t enough for the numpties who body shamed his belly on Twitter.
The internet is body-shaming Jason Momoa for having a “dad bod” after a photo went viral of the 39-year-old actor shirtless in Venice, Italy.
🗣What do you think? pic.twitter.com/n1cXoY2vPg
— The Talk (@TheTalkCBS) July 12, 2019
Really? if you think that’s a dad bod, you should take a look at mine. Then again, maybe you shouldn’t. It can be hard to control lust or envy.
Yes because as the backlash to the body shaming of Momoa showed, dad bods are not just defendable but actively desirable.
Don’t believe me? Well a recent survey backed up this claim, with US brand Planet Fitness reporting that 4 out of 5 men and women believed a dad bod was a sign of a man confident in his own skin, 65% saying a dad bod is attractive ad 51% agreeing that the dad bod is the new six pack.
It stands to reason that this is the case in a time when the six pack has risen to greater prominence that ever before in Insta-world, to a point where it’s de rigueur for boys from the first years of secondary school, and is now a status symbol for grown men as valued as a Ford Cortina used to be.
A dad bod is therefore a satisfying retort, a jiggle of joy in defiance of all those grim hours at the gym, and, more than anything, a fat dose of reality. Because the six packs seen on magazine covers and in superhero films aren’t real. Men’s Health cover models will starve and dehydrate themselves in the lead up to shoot; the pro’s tip is to eat jelly babies on the day, as the sugar will draw the last bit of moisture from the skin to make those veiny abs pop. This is before the abs are oiled and lit to enhance definition, and the retouching. Basically the popular idea of a six pack which everyone chases amounts to a photographer’s trick. No wonder people want some of the real back.
I am lucky enough to possess a dad bod, because I’m a dad. Yet at this time when dad bods are the sexiest thing ever, it’s important to think of all the childless men looking on enviously – why can’t I have that? Well, now you can, for here’s a guide to getting a dad bod for men without kids:
1. Stop having sex. Dads don’t have sex. You shouldn’t either. You’ll burn off valuable calories necessary for thickening waist and slackening arms.
2. Eat six (bad) meals a day. Most dads have their own regular meals, but also eat the meals they make for their children, the little darlings who decided they didn’t want it because some of the baked bean juice touched the sausage barrier on the plate. Dads are indeed the human rubbish bins of lore, so you normal men need to start getting on this by finishing your flatmate’s food, your partner’s food, anything left lying around the house. It applies to sandwich crusts and old cereal stuck to the rim of bowls. This is the path to dad bod heaven.
3. Stop standing up straight. Do you want to look like the type of person who studies the work of Jordan Peterson at bedtime before he puts on his superhero pyjamas and masturbates to his own gym selfies while his mother pretends not to hear in the room next door? Didn’t think so. Well, stop walking tall with your head held high, like a nob, and start slouching like you’re carrying a toddler across a National Park. While that slouch looks awful when you are actually carrying a toddler, if you aren’t, that slouch is cool, insouciant, and of course accentuates your growing belly. My god you’re getting sexy now.
4. Stop shaving your body hair off. Obviously. No dad can be arsed with that bullshit. You’re lucky if you remember to stick a toothbrush in your coffee stained gob.
5. Forget about exercise. Literally forget about it. The only time you should do exercise is when you catch sight of yourself in the bedroom mirror in a mistaken moment of sobriety and drop and give yourself five as punishment. Those five press ups should last you at least a month. Also, if you forget exercise and don’t have kids, that’s at least 3 hours a week you’re reclaiming. Read and improve your mind. Start a new career. Go spend time with your friends. Live out your dreams. Be free from the gym cage.
6. Cuddle people. The looser and flabbier your dad bod gets, the more cuddly you become. So cuddle your friends and family for the reassurance that you are loved and lovely, which will strengthen your dad bod commitment, and steel you against those moments of weakness when you’re tempted to abstain from a post-midnight bowl of apple pie.
7. Don’t buy new underwear. The underwear you have now should last you another ten years. It’s absurd to spend more on such trivial items when you have (imagined) nappies to buy. Seriously though, if you refrain from buying underwear then the underwear you are currently over-washing will lose its elasticated waist grip, allowing you to cultivate that piece de resistance of dad bods: the builder’s bum. For premium dad bods, a minimum of an inch of butt cleavage should be visible at all times, with it extending to as many as four or even six inches of clear arse crack if you have to bend over to pick up a dropped, but still perfectly edible, BBQ-ed banana.
8. Lounge about. Look at a lot of young men today and you’ll notice a tendency to sit on a couch like they would a piece of gym equipment; it’s all perfect form and engaged core. Fuck your core. Disengage the bastard. Chill. Slump. Flop. Scootch. Be at one with your couch. Only then will you truly have your dad bod prepped for its true purpose: for your partner, or dog, to curl up on and grunt happily. You are now more bean bag than man.
9. Give up. Not just on your body; a part of you should give up on life altogether. Many dads don’t have the time or the energy to exercise, but it’s only when you realise that a whole area of life has gone from you and will never return – specifically the carefree, shining, vista of unknowable possibility – that the true shape you’re looking for will come. Dad bods are not just aesthetic, they come from the soul, one partly extinguished, so try to limit your horizons. Think that you’ve gone about as far as you can in life. Imagine the future as a thousand sleepless nights, domestic chores and then death. Suddenly you’ll find yourself slouching more, binging on fistfuls of wafer thin ham at 3 in the morning, and rethinking running as an absurd act to only be drawn on during an alien invasion.
10. Be reborn. On the other side of giving up, is liberation. The Promised Land of Not Giving a Shit. You’re fucked – now you can do anything. It means your dad bod is accompanied by a reckless sense of endeavour where you can start a businesses, write novels, climb mountains, or get an earring. Previously dismissed as a midlife crisis, such a mindset is actually a glorious rebirth on the other side of despair. The earlier you can do this in life the better – why wait for children? Be defeated, and then be glorious. Welcome to the dad bod future.
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