Ask Anything – Part 2: Relationship taboos busted!

Hi Anna
I read my partner’s Whatsapp messages and found a series of not sexual but certainly intimate messages between her and some guy, I think a work colleague. Nothing too explicit, but chatty, with xx’s. I think she’s deleted more. I didn’t confront her over it, basically out of guilt for reading her phone – is this cheating? Should I talk to her about it? I feel like I’m just waiting for the chance to read her phone again to catch something more conclusive…

The thing is you must have suspected something already to prompt you to look at her phone. Even if the opportunity to look at her phone very much presented itself. Kisses at the end of messages can be just friendly but it very much depends on the tone of the rest of the message.

Cheating of course doesn’t have to be physical it can be emotional.

I would be interesting to know about your relationship. Has it gone through any difficulties lately or is it pretty solid? Either way cheating is completely unacceptable, not that I am saying this is what that is, but it may shed some light on her intentions with this colleague. I’d also be interested in find out if it’s someone she has mentioned before or not, and how her vibe in general is when she has spoken about him, if she has.

I would also be interested in finding out if her general behaviour has changed at all since chatting to this colleague.

I mean if she’s deleted messages, it doesn’t look great, thats if she has – we don’t know for sure. On the other hand she could have deleted messages that could perceive to give the wrong idea about her relationship with this colleague even if it is totally innocent. It is a bit shady though either way.

Regardless, I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way of moving forward with this. I’m hesitant to suggest checking her phone as its a huge invasion of privacy but if you feel its the right approach to do it again, then do. On the other hand an honest conversation and general conversation around what infidelity means for you could be appropriate, that way you both know where the other stands. Cheating can actually mean different things to different people and boundaries can feel blurry particularly with social media and so much communication being done remotely and in various forms. It could also be worth tactfully asking her about her work and her colleagues and giving her to opportunity to explain without having to directly ask her anything.

If you still aren’t satisfied with her response and you feel suspicious that there is something else to this its probably worth just coming clean at that point, admit what you did was wrong but feel you had reason because of what you found.

Hopefully the best case scenario is that this is just an innocent friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

I’m having trouble finding my confidence in the bedroom. My partner is very attractive – out of my league basically! – and I can’t help thinking about her past relationships and how she must have been happier and more fulfilled in those. Like I don’t think she has that good a time in bed. I’ve started to feel like a failure, inadequate, and it’s making me unable to perform. What can I do to remedy this?

It seems like you’re basing your self worth on your appearance. Appearance is not only surface level but it’s a devaluing asset. It reduces over time as we age. Surely you have more to offer than what you look like. And hopefully you see more in her than just her appearance.

Because you are worrying this stuff during those intimate moments you aren’t able to enjoy yourself as you may otherwise which could then be something she picks up on. So it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A women loves a confident man in the bedroom.

I’m wondering where the idea that she isn’t happy with you and was happier before is coming from? I could be wrong but it seems like you may have created a narrative in your mind and you are looking for ‘evidence’ to back this up. Thing is, when we create such a strong theory in our minds about something we will always find what we feel to be evidence to back it up but it doesn’t mean it’s correct.

What you need to remember is she isn’t with any of these people from her past. She’s with you and she’s chosen you.

Maybe find some time to talk some of this stuff through with her. Ask her if she’s happy. This approach is not weak it comes from a place of strength.

Once you have the answers, you need to start accepting yourself, who you are and start believing it.

This article is part of our 30 Days of Taboo Special, in association with Cialis Together. #peekataboo