A Dutch man has gone to court to try to legally change his age from 69 to 49 because he feels like a “young god” and thinks his dating experience on Tinder might improve if the doors are open to much younger women.

Emile Ratelband, from Arnhem in the Netherlands, has compared his case to that of transgender people. If they can legally change gender, why can’t he change his age? Well, maybe because they aren’t just doing it to try to screw some younger women via a dating app. Why stop at 49, Emile, why not go to 29? Or 19? Stick on a baseball cap, shout ‘Cowabunga’ and you’ll fit right in. Until you’re arrested for hanging around sixth form colleges.

It is an interesting question he’s raised though, of self-determinism, and of egomania. In solipsistic world, where Trump sees reality as whatever he decides it is, why can’t you be just anything you decide to be? Why not declare you’re now a rainbow trout and therefore shouldn’t have to pay any National Insurance? Even without the legal implications, isn’t it possible that we have the right to be anything we want. As George Constanza put it (way before Trump),..

There is a degree of freedom of expression here: if you believe you are younger then surely you can act younger and hang out with younger people– why restrict yourself to what society expects a 69 year old to be like?

However, to make it legal may be pushing it – purely from an admin point of view this is a terrible idea. If he gets to change his birth certificate, all records would be thrown into chaos. You can’t erase history, you can’t say you didn’t fail your GCSEs because you weren’t even born then. As the judge said, “For whom did your parents care? Who was that little boy then?” Think about how awkward Christmas becomes when you’re suddenly younger than your own kids.

Besides, this guy is looking at it the wrong way. Me personally, I’d love to put 20 years onto my age and immediately retire. I’d move into a cosy residential home where I’m cared for around the clock and can sleep in a chair in front of daytime TV, my half-dunked Rich Tea biscuit flopping into my mug as I nod off to Pointless. Bliss. Pure bliss. My children will come and visit me, and I’ll scream wildly at my 3 year old and 6 year old for

doing nothing with their lives because I’ve added 20 years on to them too.

Maybe in this subjective world, where truth is whatever you believe, then the future will be an absurdist version of Logan’s Run, where everyone stops at 21 even though they visibly age still, and we just smoke bongs all day and never get a proper job. The future is fake, but then with doctored White House videos and Facebook-informed Brexit lemming self-annihilation, so is the present.