Ok guys. Breathe. You made a baby, it grew a bit and went to school. One day you get a letter from the school. You can only see one word on the letter. HEADLICE. It’s ok though because your kid will never get headlice…

So your kid definitely has headlice. You feel sick, dizzy… is anyone else itchy? Nits, as they are affectionately known, are indiscriminate. So here’s how to ‘do the nits’. Come on soldier – you can do this.

You will need:

• A decent nit comb. Not the ones that come in the nit lotion. They’re shite. You need to the £10 steel one (aka the Deadly Comb)
• A regular comb or tangle teaser
• Conditioner
• A bottle of wine
• A laptop
• A toilet roll

Method:

Run the bath (overload with bubbles – the reason will become clear in good time)

Pour yourself a large glass of wine and drink it.

Perch your laptop somewhere the child can see it and press play. Choose wisely. This is not the time to start educating them with Studio Ghibli. Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol – the hypnotic kind. It’s crucial they are fully engaged.

Add child to the bath

Pour second glass of wine. If wine’s not your bag I’d recommend a shot of something. Tequila maybe? The key here is lubricating yourself mildly so the concept of sitting in a vat of water full of lice is no longer beyond the pale, but you still have your wits about you.

Get into the bath with your child, wash the child’s hair and after shampooing apply at least half the bottle of conditioner and massage into their hair.

Begin combing with the regular comb or tangle teaser and keep going till it’s completely tangle free. Do not be tempted to go half arsed on this. When you start going in with the Deadly Comb it’s going to be like trying to direct your child walking through the Temple of Doom. One false move and it’s all over. They will scream and cry and say they hate you. They’ll possibly jump out of the bath with a nit comb stuck in their hair and you’ll be left drunk and alone in a vat of nits wondering where you went wrong in life. I think I’ve made my point.

Now the hair is completely tangle free, take the expensive nit comb and start from behind the ear, drawing the comb back in one solid swipe. Be very, very careful not to stab their head with the comb. Ok. Take a swig of the wine – you’ll need it. Take a look at the comb. There should be lots of white conditioner speckled with dark dots and insects. This will be your eggs and your nits. If you’ve got an infestation, it’s not going to be pretty. If you didn’t blitz beforehand with lotion some may still be wriggling*. Have the toilet roll ready and wipe the contents on to the paper. *I don’t bother with lotion.

Here’s where you need to have a little chat with your child. Show them. Show the toilet roll. At first they’ll be disgusted (this is good you want them to be horrified so they actually WANT you to do their nits), but when you begin to master ‘the nits’ both you and your child will take great pleasure in perusing the results. Any live ones – execute publicly. Maybe get the kids to join in. Repeat until the WHOLE head has been combed. Think you can get away with a few strokes? You’ll be back in the nit bath in a few days because guess what eggs do? Hatch. Unless of course you like bathing in lice.

By this time you’ll need a fresh glass of wine. It’s ok. I understand. I really do. It’s a job no one wants to do.

Now the comb is coming back clean there’s one final test. If when you swipe and there’s still nits/eggs on the hair you’ll feel a very slight crunch. Not sure if crunch is something you feel, but you’ll understand when you try it. Once the crunch has gone and the comb is sailing along clean strands of hair you’ve won. You are the winner. Pat yourself on the back.

But just as you reach out for the air fist pump give yourself and your child a blast under the shower. Have a wee look at the all those bubbles, actually don’t. Just know there’s nits in there.

Send the child off in a towel and if you are unlucky enough to have more than one head crawling with nits then off you go again. Just don’t look at the bubbles. I have three kids and in my house the key is being the first one to have their nits done. Because the water isn’t yet nit genocide, and mummy’s not quite as traumatised/pissed as she will inevitably by child number three.

It can take between 15-30 minutes per child so maybe now you’ll understand why your partner wants to divorce you when you did then that one time and it took 3 minutes and you said you couldn’t see any.

Enjoy!