I’ve seen some things in my time, but none so pathetic as my husband’s attempts to do our daughters’ hair. Little clumps of hair, screwed up with a hairband sort of resting on the top of their heads. This is why Girls World should have just been called ‘A Head’ so boys could have had a go at some bunches and plaits without any fear of being beaten up. Well the 80s are behind us menfolk and it’s time to share the mental load. Yes, you do your fair share of housework and childcare but if you really want to be a modern man – you need to know how to do space buns. OK?

Brushing

After a bath and a hairwash it’s vital to set the scene, which is pretty simple. Give them your iPhone. When your child is happily sedated – watching something that claims to be a YouTube channel but actually sounds like very, very cheap porn – brush, then comb the hair. Use tons of kids conditioning spray. It smells nice and gets rid of the tangles.

Bunches

Once the hair is brushed take something with a pointy end (not sharp obvs) and draw a line from the crown to the back of neck. This gives you a nice clean parting.  Collect all the hair from side one of the parting and brush it into your hand till it’s neat and has no lumps and no stray bits of hair. Ask your child what colour hairband they want. This is crucial. If you use the wrong colour you’re fucked and they’ll have a tantrum and rip the bunches out. Repeat on the other side. When making your bunch keep an eye on the first bunch. They need to be level. Wonky bunches are a major no-no at primary school. Trust me. I’ve been there. Make sure you wind the hairband round the bunch till its tight.

Plaits

OK, this is a little trickier. Follow the steps for bunches until you have brushed hair, parted neatly on both sides. Start on one side. Divide the hair into 3 sections, left, middle and right.

Take the left piece and cross it over the middle piece. Then take the right piece and cross it over the middle piece. Repeat until your child looks like Elsa.

Space buns

Follow the step for making bunches and then take a bunch and twist the hair. Take the twisted hair and roll around the bit of the bunch closest to the head around the hairband. Ideally tuck it into the hairband (its ok to look messy that’s chic) or if it’s super long hair then use a couple of hairgrips to keep it in place. I usually use a second hairband to keep the bun in place as kids generally don’t like having sharp bits of metal sticking into their scalps.

Top tip

Hair is better done the night before. Apply the hairstyle to wet hair and in the morning you can simply redo the same hairstyle after a dash of kids conditioning spray.

Next week

Nits. I am considered a legend amongst the parents of the PTA on the subject. Maybe it’s because I show them the nit before I exterminate it. And close up images of nits on google. Or explain how they feast on their blood…